Chapter 6 – Connect
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Introduction
Why get out of bed in the morning? If you’ve never not had a reason, we envy you lone soldier. You may think you don’t need a purpose. Fine. Why get out of bed in the morning? If it’s clear to you, write it down and move on. If not, get to work. Or hide under the covers of life. The world won’t improve when we wake up. Might as well start now.
Start with your people. Who’s important to you? Who do you talk to often? Who do you want to spend time with? Who would you take to the hospital? Who would you loan money? Who would listen to you during an existential crisis? If you think you have no purpose, how about ‘serving your people’?
Connect Habits
- WRITE YOUR PURPOSE, MISSION STATEMENT, WHATEVER. Ex. kids, partner, career, god, change the world, etc. We fear deciding and writing what’s most important to us. It’s easier to remain scattered. Don’t worry about getting your purpose wrong. Change it tomorrow, next month, any time you want. Choose the direction of your laser beam.
- Where do you spend your time?
- Who or what do you want to invest time in?
- What’s the most important thing in your life?
- What’s next most important?
- What will you say “no” to so you can focus on those top priorities?
- What or whom will you include or exclude to create peace and happiness?
- Search for articles on “how to find purpose” if you want more ideas.
- PLAN A WEEKLY CONNECTION EVENT. With your spouse, partner, kid, friends, colleagues. Coffee is an event, movie night is an event, a workout is an event. Your weekly anchor events give you something to look forward to when you begin your week.
- INVEST IN PURPOSE-DRIVEN PROJECTS. Find activities that are physical, creative, artistic like volunteering, coaching, teaching, a side project that connects to your purpose. For most people, this isn’t work. It’s a break from work. If your work is your purpose, work counts.
- TAKE TIME OFF. Reconnect, plan a vacation, a long weekend at least once per year. Schedule this far in advance when possible, so it anchors your whole year. You should look forward to your yearly anchors, just like Christmas, which is a great time to plans next year’s events. Having a big event in the distance creates positive anticipation, which over time generates similar net happiness as the actual event.
- GRAB A CONNECT TOOL
- practicing listening better by asking open questions (whats, whys, and hows), pausing for the other person to talk, and thinking from their perspective before responding
- give people a 5 to 1 positive to negative feedback ratio by giving them more good recognition –
- compliment people straightaway, look for accomplishments, even little, tiny, infinitesimal ones
- laugh more, smile more, put yourself in situations that make you want to smile and laugh
- give your time, energy, resources to people you care about without expecting reciprocation
- practice the Golden/Platinum Rules (treat others how they you/they want to be treated)
- walk with the people you care about
When You Have An Hour
OFFER AN HOUR TO SOMONE. Kids with homework or a project. Your partner with cleaning or errands. A friend with a move or painting or their project. A volunteer organization. Anyone. If you’re struggling to find opportunities, mention your free time to friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and maybe scan social media for posts on people’s big upcoming projects, life changes, volunteer activities. Get comfortable saying, “Need any help? (pause) I don’t mind. Glad to help.”
Ways to Make Time
- Use the end of the weekend to plan next week’s social events. This downtime can be depressing. Use that downtime more wisely by planning next week’s fun. Gift yourself fun to look forward to.
- Pair batch meal preparation with partner/friend-time. Split the work. Split the food. Double the fun.
- Pair exercise and connecting by asking someone to workout with you. Two for one.
- Schedule your vacations, your yearly anchor events, your weekly anchor events now if you haven’t already. If you don’t have time this moment, schedule planning this for your next day off. Set a reminder to think about and decide on these at the end of the year when most have more spare time.
Measurements
- percentage of days you’re excited to get out of bed
- hours per week invested in your important relationships
- total hours spent socializing per day
- hours per week spent on your purpose
- days per week focusing on something important to you
- minutes/hours per week helping others
- anchor events planned per year with closest family or friends
- weekends per month with an anchor event (socializing, movie, sports, anything)
- actively listening percent per week (active listening / total listening)
- positive questions asked (ex. “What’s up with [thing you’re excited about]?”)
- people you maintain a 5:1 positive to negative feedback ratio per year
- times laughing out loud or smiling big per week
- minutes invested per week walking with people you care about
- times per week you didn’t treat people the way they want to be treated
- times per week recognizing others, complimenting them
- times per week having a deeper conversation
I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?
– Marcus Aurelius
Throw off the blankets. Do the work. State a purpose. Take a risk. Be a man. Be a woman. Love your people. Invest in others. Listen deeply. Tell us how you really feel. Take a break. Have fun. Ride that snowball avalanche to the good life.
